He would actually post Cognitive Dissonance posters on Facebook–a sort of daring stunt to either show off the fact he could get away with ANYthing or an attempt to reveal the obvious and see who could see through his con game. Unrecognizable. Is it possible? Learn how your comment data is processed. I’d bet big money on this. I figured that this was my one shot to get it out. All we can do is put as much time and distance between us and them. The narcissist perceives themselves as being unique and uncommon. He waited about 3 weeks to try again. Let me illustrate this concept with a hypothetically staged sit… kinda like many therapist might automatically classify someone who sees auras or angels as needing help to escape delusions. I snapped. First I think I want to get through the workbook and have at least that much of the work done. So I’ll keep on doing what I’m doing, and living my life, and not let him interfere with my enjoyment of it without him. It makes sense that trying to instill fear in me is just another of his bullying tactics. I am in the process of self healing from my relationship with a covert narcissistic sociopath. I had not seen the asshole. Our cognitive dissonance prevents us from really believing it even with the cold hard facts laid out before us. It’s part of their triangulation. There is life after the nonsense, I promise. What is "cognitive dissonance"? Please read Melanie Tonia Evans’s blogs and if you can afford it, do her course. I think I am just freaked out because I don’t know what his intentions are, or if he is making threats. Anyone have ideas? Investing everything they have in their narcissistic partner is the only way the victim finds to keep the family going. The victim convinces themselves that “things are not that bad”, especially when the narcissistic abuser shows them acts of kindness. It was liberating and made it easier to leave. He was always waiting fir handouts and not embarrassed to use us. A narcissist can introduce themselves as a loving, kind-hearted and mature person. She keeps her secrets to protect him. Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term used to describe the mental discomfort that comes from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time. When I started working there, there was a lot of need for improvement. This “new” employee would show up at the door behind my back and, with her arms folded in front of her, make an accusation against me. Hard as hell, stick to your gun’s if you can. We want to give him the benefit of the doubt or another chance and sometimes we just want to look the other way. It is, after, EXTREMELY INSANE! You develop a sense of cognitive dissonance (conflicting thoughts and feelings) about the toxic relationship as well as other major facets of your life. It is the fear of mot getting my fair share of our assestts ( from not being able to find a good atty) that makes me stay, even when i know i should go. I am away from the narc for about a year (divorced him and fled). As you can imagine, these states of mind throw the victim into any number of inner conflicts where defense mechanisms are called for, cognitive dissonance being one. This one and the triangulation – simply slapped some reality in my face I was so desperately looking for. These so called “negative patterns” were probably born out of your need to feel safe as a child…… and it becomes a way of being, a habit. And I wondered if others have dealt with this, too. The following video explains cognitive dissonance as it relates to narcissistic abuse and includes ideas and tips to help you with understanding what is happening to you as well as to make changes to get past the cognitive dissonance. What a fucking idiot I am. I worked very hard and sacrificed a lot so that the residents of this facility would have what they needed and would be safe. The one belief that saved me from LITERALLY dying of a broken heart throughout my 13-years with a narcissist motherfucker is my belief that all things have to be logical in order to be real. He has damaged my inner core so much. What a relief that professionals are finally speaking about this and not making light of it or blaming the victims for not having the backbone to stand up for themselves. If the narcissist is a spouse, then the partner is going to have to invest heavily in their abuser until they are emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. I am seeking help but this book has helped a lot : Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker M.A. Everyone needs to know that IS a hoover. Thanks for your response. Could it be that the mental trauma endured by NPD.abuse survivors have the ability to see what others dont? Does a Married Narcissist Ever Leave His Wife? Thank you for the insightful article. It’s a struggle to accept that our entire chaotic relationship was a fraud even when we know in our heart of hearts this is true. As seen in so many areas including driving. Oh, how I remember the calls from local businesses that he figured I would pick up on. I have been iin a relationship with a Narc for almost six years. Suggest my wife move to Alaska? There was about a two-week time period that I didn’t hear from him right after that, but now it’s back to multiple calls and voice mails every day. They go back and forth trying different things. Naturally, people do not like the discomfort of conflicting thoughts; this theory proposes that when this happens, people have a motivational drive within them that allows them to rationalize and change their attitudes, beliefs, values and actions, anything that allows them to reduce or dissolve the dissonance they are experiencing (i.e Which makes my bum look smallest?) 3 Personen sprechen darüber. It’s not that we’re not intellectually intelligent – but we are emotionally stunted and we’ve attracted this scenario so we can pull back and reassess. I guess after 24 years of my groveling and begging, and apologizing for things that were never my fault, and listening to his horrible abusive rants about what a slut I was (I’m not) and how I had maliciously set out to destroy HIM (I didn’t)…and the ever-present triangulation, lies lies lies and cheating, he thought he could get away with anything. I am going insane, and all your articles are helping so much. Like you said, he’s just going about his business. If playback doesn't begin shortly, try restarting your device. Unfortunately until you partner with yourself and look after yourself, you’re never going to get what you want out of the guy. Email: christine@narcissisticbehavior.net. He’s following a very specific pattern and it’s all because he knows you are listening. We accept blame as the Narcissist conditions us to believe it is all our fault. I have been on meds & gone through therapy for him & for myself thinking maybe I was the problem. Gemma, These are all great questions, but it would take a book to answer them. It’s as you said, we tend to forget the bad things when the relationship is over, but fortunately, I kept a journal of some to jog my memory just in case. and being of this world It hasn’t helped at all and GE still continues to lie to me, hide things, try to control me, and always tries to sexually use me when we aren’t getting along. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. At first, he tries to mirror these qualities, creating the soul mate effect and hooking us in. Thank to the preverbial spirits, I had that strength…… God I feel so much better already….. and BTW, her kid of 24 is a mess, they both behave like 5 year olds……. Still. Is so demure, and yet carasmatic , she quietly does everything you describe while smiling and looking so innocent? To escape the grief and emotional torment of cognitive dissonance, you have to make a choice between what you want to be true and what you know to be true and using logic is one way to ensure your choice will be the right one. The cheating and the triangulation was the most harmful and most horrendously damaging experience I have ever gone through in my 24 years of living. Narcissist: ‘I’m never going to lunch with you again. Finances were my responsibility and he did not work or pay for anything. The only child at first, so they bullied me together. Things that had been set up and were working well all of sudden stopped working, her assignments would go undone but it would be my fault simply because I was doing my job and assigned them to her. My daughter is a shell. You’ve already been a God-send and I am grateful. A narcissist doesn’t care about being with us as long as they are in our heads. ( She is currently a patient) This monster has drugged her with PCP in order to alter her reality. To survive the internal conflict, the victim will have to call on all their internal resources and defense strategies in order to manage their most primitive anxieties of persecution and annihilation. The silence is supposed to make you wonder about everything – and obviously it works! As you said, my situation is on every page, with basically only a minor detail or two changed. He has successfully alienated everyone else. My narc died last spring so I am safe. Or was he being a typical narcissist and trying to keep me in my place? I relate in all that I had to deal with in my marriage to a marriage fraudster. Spunky, They see the children as extensions of themselves, representing them in every aspect. I just wonder, now that the thought of being with him again disgusts me, if I should listen to any of the voice mails, because if they are threats, I want to have records of them. The more toxicity a narcissistic partner brings into your life, the more likely you’ll gravitate towards people who subject you to similar trials. I am the only one that told you to apologize but I have experience in this situation. I thought I was losing my mind. Things went OK for the first year, then the abuse started just about this time of year 10 years ago. They are wanting to make their new girlfriend think that you are causing them the issues and they are wanting to mak Thank you, Zari, for your response. as it is the way of this world to profess an as-if wisdom Or he would agree to go therapy like every month, even send ME lists of therapists to chose from but never go. The last few years of marriage, during the Obama presidency, I finally began to see the pattern of psychological abuse, such as gaslighting, that was taking place in my marriage. All these dynamics are going to put strain on the partner of the narcissist, and they are likely to be the butt of all the narcissist frustration and anger, which will manifest itself as rage. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine. I want to highlight the whole book, because I say, “Yes! Do you want a life with healthy intimacy? Quit while you are still ahead which is way more than most of get to do at the end of the day! I worked, did the cleaning, housework and cooking. I also see how ‘being blind’ provides him with ample narcissistic supply. and the therapist in so doing tho can so discomfort those with gifts that what might have been true guides from the other side are driven out and indeed then the victim falls prey to demonic spirits such as familiar negative twisted entities that do bring about the desires of the wisdom of this world to deny that which is not of this world and seeks to find the realization of being in the world but not of it. My self esteem was battered. A narcissist’s created identity is not consistent with their manipulative behaviour. I probably did something I shouldn’t have, but as I said, after 24 years of his shit and of me saying nothing, I snapped. It is uncanny. Not this time. while the narcissist is a pro The Dissonance Theory allows the victim to make their choice (even if it means lying to themselves), and gives them a way to justify that they can be happy about not making the opposite choice that would surely put them in danger. I started researching manipulation and was thus led to narcissism. The concept of cognitive dissonance is almost self-explanatory by its title: ‘Cognitive’ is to do with thinking (or the mind); while ‘dissonance’ is concerned with inconsistencies or conflicts. Also, not always does narcissist abuse involve violence…but non-narcissist abuse may. He taps that damn blind cane around and EVERYONE has to part so he can be first. While experiencing cognitive dissonance they may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion and defensiveness to control their discomfort. Never seen this before and I hope like Hell never again. It is not as hard as you think to change your troublesome negative thinking, but you do need to learn a good “pattern interrupt” in order to change your state of mind… this is where your therapist should be able to help you. This prolonged torturous situation is likely to trigger old negative scripts of the victim’s childhood internal object relations (attachment, separation and individuation). The result is that a massive draining conflict ensues between the person’s emotional self and their rational reasoning self. BTW Melanie, never apologise, I was asked several times to apologise for ”stuff’ I didn’t do, even by outsiders just to keep the Peace, I never did, because it PLAINLY WAS NOT RIGHT, following that of course I ”got punished” chewed out in public, in private, but I guess I knew something wasn’t right and I REALLY DIDN’T want to lose her, but still no apologies, when I did nothing wrong, it was always her, with no accountability whatsoever……. ⁃ TN Editor. It bothered him not one bit, the inconvenience did not exist. I have a new book coming out shortly (New Year 2018), in that book WHEN SHAME BEGETS SHAME: How narcissists hurt and shame their victims – In that book some of those questions are answered. However with the real fear of a violent reprisal from her captor if she tried to leave, she will more likely choose to stay put. Did u stay away? The hardest part about letting go of the narcissist is our reluctance to accept what we already know to be true: that nothing about anything we experienced in our own mind was real…..that the narcissist didn’t love us (never did and never will)…that every precious moment, every kiss and caress, all those times when we thought he might be coming around and oh-how-glad-we-were-that-we-stuck-it-out…all those times that were, in essence, LIES. Do you have any suggestions to find someone to get a formal diagnosis of this? Blocked that number. He is a special brand of narcissist. The narcissist has intentionally put us in a position of having to constantly review words and actions that do not match. If I didn’t I was to be punished and called crazy……and it goes on and on……. Having a physical affair is a whole different thing and I’d be willing to be that all his “affairs” have been physical. It’s a start, at least! Then you have your answer. ALWAYS FIRST. I’ve never felt so frustrated not being able to get out of a situation because I had to fulfill the roles that they wanted me to fulfill. He died still vengeful and vindictive, believing to the very end that he was entitled to do whatever he wanted to me (my mother and brother died more than twenty years ago). He would tell me to ‘go take a pill’ if I got upset about anything. the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously. scripturally then the victim might be seen as a believer whom the narcissistic world hates and tries to make out as if it needs its cure to be like the world but the salvation path to being in the world but not of it will come across as a dissonance to those who are of the world. All he cares about is the “getting through”. These cookies do not store any personal information. I need my daughter and granddaughter in my life so I play the game. I would apologize Melanie. I don’t even know why I’m with you.’ Hint: Write down everything. where tho the psychopath knows itself as skilled The truth is that narcissists can’t possibly have “emotional” affairs because they don’t have any true emotions. Lol. May I ask how things have gone for you and the family over the past 5 months since you’ve posted? For example, a woman who is abused by her narcissistic spouse will hate the conditions she is living in. The reason why I found your article is because I suspect our daughter is suffering from Stockholm. Any feedback is welcome. One would wonder how the victim tolerates living with an abuser who is so intolerant and hostile. UChicago Medicine. A person – even one as good at lying as a narcissist – can not argue with logic. Regards, Andy. This article helped me IMMENSELY! He started trying to come up with lies and to “gaslight” me but I would not shut up or give him a chance. The agenda being pushed by the Elite, they display the same characteristics as a single narcissist. Why do counselors. Do these fuckers have classes, or a handbook, or are they taught by some hideous monster from hell exactly how to carry out their evil deeds as narcissists? I regret so much not turning him in and having him arrested. It seems it would be more practical to explain that many of these dynamics occur with an abuser in general, and then explain what distinguishes a narcissist from other types of abusers. I wrote here earlier – your fella doesn’t like sex, he’s merely distracting you from that fact. While we’re “being strong”, we still have one eye on that cell phone. Christine is a Psychotherapist, Educator, Author and Supervisor of mental health professionals for over 28 years. Don’t be so quick to label yourself as codependent…remember that HE is the problem, not you. I was very confident, socially graceful and was at my zenith as far as working out at the gym. , narcissist victims’ salvation In other words, we are torn between believing what we want to believe about someone and accepting what we know to be the truth (as horrible as that might be). Excellent article, thanks. And I have the random awful slap in the face realizations hit me sometimes, so that’s when I grab my phone and put a note in so I won’t forget to add it to the journal. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. Part of my issue is definitely PTSD, but everyone has difficulties, I’d like to handle mine better and be more generous. This is a great find! Christine. He had me convinced I was the one with the issues, that I was crazy, that I needed medication. Wonder everyday what will be the “end result”? He has successfully trapped her financially and our grandson’s current college enrollment is dependent on him. I found another job quickly, but about 3 months later I started having flashbacks and nightmares. Narcs, as you know, don’t care much about being with us as long as they’re in our heads. This article explains so clearly what my mother went through with my father, who was a malignant narcissist. And how I remember the OVER 250 VOICE MESSAGES that I never listened to, deleting them periodically in big bunches one by one before I could hear his voice. Anyway, thanks for listening. Now looking at my current situation my self esteem is utterly shattered and torn apart. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. This is the clearest definition of cognitive dissonance I have found. Last, don’t call yourself stupid. They can’t handle intimacy. Stockholm syndrome involves the victim paradoxically forming a positive relationship with their oppressor; this is called “Trauma Bonding”. But at the same time, you might also think that they have good intentions and don’t mean to hurt you. No one really “gets it” except those who have been there to really experience the weirdness with these creatures. I could see that Obama and his administration were using abuse tactics such as gaslighting and triangulation to create cognitive dissonance and division. We need to be able to get to the root of the problem, talk it out, work through the feelings and then move on. For example, when we are in relationship with a toxic personwho is either your spouse, parent, sibling, or even a your own child, we oftencome up with justifications to excuse their toxic behavior. Even after beating me with blood dripping from my face and almost killing my by choking me on a camping trip I STILL stayed with him and loved him. Sorry this post is long. I need help to survive this and am not sure how to get it, Go with your gut instinct Melanie. Thanks for helping me understand. This was your idea. Overall, I am feeling much better after I figured out that I was a victim of narcissistic abuse. He has successfully turned my 10 yr old grandson against my husband and myself. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. The narcissist’s superiority will demand that they are the most important one in the relationship, and the victim (in time) will comply with that arrangement. I cant tell you how amazingly empowering your articles are. Silver medals are not seen as a reason to celebrate, they are more likely to be perceived as a disgrace (loser). I need help, real, honest, kick in the ass help to get me through the process of getting past this shit before I even care about why I was in it. I take on responsibility (internally) for everything that went wrong, and yet, I need to remind myself that I suffered through 24 years of emotional and mental abuse. It is time, right now, to begin to finally make the right choices…..for yourself, for your children, for your future, and for your sanity. He’s just trying to keep you in your place, as you suggest. I read an article once that said you have to be willing to be seen as the bad one in the relationship to actually be able to escape. Financial Investment: Narcissist typically seeks to control the family finances, money is a love substitute for them. They worry for their abuser in case they harm someone and end up in jail. I see it in Trump as well, during the campaign and now the presidency. I want to know and I don’t want to know. It also triggered control factors from my 14 year marriage that was abusive from my husbands issues. Thank you for this article. I am thankful I know what this is, now. Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that results from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs (Rational Wiki).