The desire to decrease this discomfort drives us to either change our belief or behavior, seek out new information to set our minds at ease or diminish the importance of our beliefs and values. But that doesn’t mean you need to break up with your friend because you don’t have as many things in common. Any situation that does not meet our love expectations in a couple can activate cognitive dissonance and then find a way to reduce it. By definition, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously. While occasional lack of harmony is to be expected in any partnership, folks in unhealthy and abusive relationships may experience constant dissonance. Cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors. He might think, "Nobody lives forever. Teenagers watching the footage might be horrified, but they also might think that it could never happen to them. While cognitive dissonance is a normal part of living, it doesn't have to wreak havoc on your everyday life. The problem? When we recognize cognitive dissonance in ourselves, that can be an opportunity to dig further in how to resolve it in healthful ways. If you're eager to learn more about cognitive dissonance and how it affects you and your relationships, read on to learn the history of the theory, common examples of cognitive dissonance, and information about additional resources. The vast majority of people who start smoking have no trouble comprehending that the habit could harm or even kill them, yet the understanding that smoking is bad for their health isn't enough to dissuade them from picking up the habit. 11 Good Character Traits People Want In A Significant Other. What Do I Do When I Am Feeling Alone And Need Someone To Talk to. This often becomes a vicious cycle that is incredibly difficult to break. Ironically, the affair may have started due to cognitive dissonance in the committed relationship. When we’re involved with a narcissist, cognitive dissonance is a psychological state that keeps us clinging to a narcissistic partner even when we know he/she is completely incapable of ever loving us. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. Cognitive Dissonance and the Energy Vampire Relationship Energy vampires are masters at creating dissonance in their relationships. Back in 1957, psychologist Leon Festinger introduced the theory. For example, when we are in relationship with a toxic personwho is either your spouse, parent, sibling, or even a your own child, we oftencome up with justifications to excuse their toxic behavior. What is cognitive dissonance in relationships? It can affect how we behave or react, and proceed to take our relationships towards a different route which may or may not be healthy. “It can play a big part in relationships, from friendships to marriage.” This is known as cognitive dissonance. When our friends or partners act contrary to our beliefs and values, we perceive dissonance. stress at work or from lack of work) and might even blame you for exaggerating the issue of drinking or being the cause of it. It’s important to note that too much dissonance can enable abuse in relationships, too. Yet, the other partner isn’t supportive. Some examples of cognitive dissonance in relationships are cheating and abusive behavior, as previously mentioned in the article, showing unsupportive behavior, and being unwilling to compromise. DD Personality Traits: Does Your DAndD Character Reflect You? Or she may come up with reasons it was her fault, not his. Some men and women left the cult and attempted to return to their former lives, but others became increasingly fanatical, believing that their faith had prevented the world-ending flood. You and your partner live in a large city. Dissonance is part of all relationships. Perhaps your ideal mate loves children and wants to have a big family. At this point, the man must make a decision. Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse: A Snapshot A simplistic, condensed example in a toxic relationship: an abuser professes love and divines a marriage date with their partner. We can also sleep less, eat unhealthily and forgo exercise. How do you help someone with cognitive dissonance? It refers to the mental conflict that occurs when a person’s behaviors and beliefs do not align. While the victim loves the abuser and fears being apart, she knows deep down that the abuse cycle will continue. How Cognitive Dissonance Affects Behavior . But things get sticky if you end up compromising your values for the sake of the marriage. What is cognitive dissonance in relationships? We can talk to friends or counselors or write about our experience with cognitive dissonance. In these cases, communication is key. We also explored why truth can become blurry because of the dynamic of narcissists having full certainty about their truth and healthy human beings having doubts. By subscribing you agree to the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. RELATED: What You Should Know About How Stress Affects RelationshipsFor instance, if one person comes home cranky one night, someone in a happy marriage would chalk it up to a bad day at work rather than deciding their partner is a jerk and the marriage is doomed. What Is The Difference Between A Sociopath And A Narcissistic Sociopath? Choice-supportive bias: We feel more positive about our choices after we have made them—magnifying the attractiveness of the option we chose and devaluing the option we didn’t choose. Cognitive dissonance is all around us. Cognitive dissonance deludes you from the reality of your relationship with a narcissistic person. Let's say you have great chemistry with a man you met through a mutual friend. To calm the storm inside her, the victim might justify or downplay her abuser's behavior. Instead, you’ll likely adjust your values and beliefs so they get in sync with your friend’s. Similar situations occur within romantic relationships, but it can become a bit more complicated if and when the person involved is someone you see as a potential life-long partner. Another prime example of cognitive dissonance in relationships occurs when infidelity takes place despite the deep-seated belief that cheating is hurtful and wrong. Let’s say your friend was supposed to meet you at the movie theater. There are simple things you can do to reduce the risk of memory loss, build resilience to disease, and ‘keep sharp.’, Why the Sounds of Nature Are So Good for Health and Well-Being, Laugh-Out-Loud Author Jenny Lawson Takes on a Deadly Serious Topic: Fighting for Health Insurance Coverage, Tippi Coronavirus: Tips for Living With COVID-19. Often, the person cheating justifies or diminishes the behavior to relieve discomfort. Psychologist Leon Festinger first proposed a theory of cognitive dissonance centered on how people try to reach internal consistency.2 He suggested that people have an inner need to ensure that their beliefs and behaviors are consistent. For example, if you stop volunteering for an organization you’ve always cared about or stop a hobby because your partner doesn’t support it or isn’t interested. Our whole life is a series of choices, sometimes contradicting each other. Specifically, it focuses on the relationships among cognitions that are elements of knowledge that people have about their behaviors, attitudes, perceptions, beliefs, feelings, or environments. Relationships are typically built on shared attitudes, beliefs, and values. Often there are cognitive dissonances about the "second half," "destiny," "jealousy as a sign of love," "eternal love and passion," and "all-conquering love." Cognitive dissonance can happen with the public and their views of public figures who are powerful and wealthy and where the public even grew up idolizing them. May 9, 2018 positivagirl 53 Comments You need to be able to think straight and to have ownership and possession of your own thoughts, if you are to fully heal and recover from any abusive relationship. It can affect how we behave or react, and proceed to take our relationships towards a different route which may or may not be healthy. For instance, if smoking doesn't align with a smoker's values, he might choose to stop smoking, conduct research with the hope of proving that smoking isn't harmful, or ease his discomfort by justifying the behavior. When a lack of harmony occurs between our beliefs, values, urges, and behaviors, an uncomfortable internal struggle arises. Tried-and-true favorites include: Learning To Tolerate Cognitive Dissonance. Nearly all of your values align, but he's not keen on having kids. The woman has never been to a football game and has no interest in the sport, but she appreciates the man's enthusiasm and wouldn't mind accompanying him to the occasional game. “You either decide that yes, she’s a great friend and this isn’t important, it’s no big deal to wait in line,” Noulas says. ... To investigate the relationship between dissonance and effort. Deep down, you know that being a parent is more important to you than globetrotting, but you ignore the red flags to calm the dissonance you're experiencing. In the case of unhealthy and abusive relationships, victims often question their perception of their abuser and the relationship as a whole. The theory of cognitive dissonance [1] concentrates on creating knowledge about important psychological processes of individuals. What now? Hypocrisy, on the other hand, is “not practicing what you preach.” Cognitive dissonance can result from this, which can encourage the person to change. In this study, research participants were asked to spend an hour completing boring tasks (for example, repeatedly loading spools onto a tray). Or it can be negative if you end up minimizing concerning personality traits (“red flags”), Leikam says. In most cases, a trusted individual must validate her feelings and confirm her reality before the victim can break free for good. Cognitive Dissonance and Relationships by Brooke Schwartzman | Apr 13, 2021 | MENTAL HEALTH , RELATIONSHIPS Think back to a time where you had to do something you did not fully want to do… perhaps going to your partner’s favorite restaurant simply because it was easy. Fighting Cognitive Dissonance & The Lies We Tell Ourselves. The problem? One study noted that victims in these types of relationships have trouble deciding whether to stay or leave since they may view the violence as an exception that doesn’t represent the person’s past behavior. a decrease in relationship satisfaction from time 1 to time 2, but the relationship between change in costs and change in relationship satisfaction did not differ by relationship type. Why didn’t she buy you a ticket and wait for you? Read our, Center for Disease Control and Prevention, Get Creative: Sex And Its Impact On Relationships, Not Sure What You Are Looking for? Cognitive dissonance also occurs within the person who learns his partner is cheating. An online therapist with Regain can help regardless of where you are in your healing process. Or ultimately you decide, no, she’s constantly doing inconsiderate things like this and you’re tired of it, so you leave or start to invest less energy in that friendship. So you compromise in order for the relationship to work. What is cognitive dissonance in relationships? You’ll rationalize that choice by saying you don’t practice your religion much anyway or that it’s more important to find someone who is kind and faithful than someone who comes from the same religious background, Noulas says. When the abuser's mood shifts abruptly, the victim is filled with confusion, and cognitive dissonance comes into play. We can also maintain our exercise and diet programs rather than plummeting into negative emotions that will surely sabotage our efforts in discovering ways to resolve or reduce the dissonance. The theory of cognitive dissonance [1] concentrates on creating knowledge about important psychological processes of individuals. Cognitive Dissonance Can Affect Our Relationships Cognitive dissonance can affect our relationships, too, Leikam says. For example, after hiring someone we are convinced they were the best qualified candidate all along.The opposite is also true. Let me illustrate this concept with a hypothetically staged si… By definition, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously. Harrison J. Again, something needs to be done to ease that inner conflict. When you or someone you know sustains a traumatic brain injury, your recovery team may bring up unfamiliar words or phrases. When it comes to relationships, cognitive dissonance can be particularly perplexing. Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse: A Snapshot A simplistic, condensed example in a toxic relationship: an abuser professes love and divines a marriage date with their partner. While deciding where to vacation or which board game to play won't necessarily cause much dissonance, continuously compromising or ignoring one's core values or desires to please a partner often results in internal conflict and relationship problems. Even though cognitive dissonance affects us, we can do some things to lessen that affect. Cognitive dissonance and domestic violence. Your partner might cite many reasons for the drinking (ex. Cognitive dissonance occurs in almost every kind of human relationships- whether it is familial, romantic, or platonic. And sometimes dealing with and accepting a bit of dissonance helps marriages last. Or you can choose to stay with him or her and tell yourself religion actually isn’t all that important to you. Simply being aware of the imbalance that naturally occurs when attitudes, beliefs, and values don't correlate with urges and behaviors can lead to positive change. Cognitive dissonance is made up of two words: cognitive and dissonance. The Dangers Of Attention Seeking Behavior? Cognitive dissonance in relationships with emotional dependence is a fairly common topic. Cognitive dissonance and the way we cope with it regularly affect our relationships, too, both positively and negatively. Although it seems unfathomable that any rational individual would willfully join such a group, members were slowly conditioned and alienated from their friends and family. Private & Group Coaching Information https://www.stephanielynlifecoaching.com/services NEW COURSE! Moving for love. The cognitive dissonance shows itself through rationalization: On the one hand: she abhors her unhealthy relationship and all the abuse that goes with it; while on the other hand, she tells herself that he only fights with her because he loves and cares for her. How Emotional Abuse Creates Cognitive Dissonance Prior to the abusive relationship, you always thought you were not the type to fall under somebody’s psychological manipulation, but you did. Cognitive dissonance in abusive relationships We explored how the mind can work to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance and for example rationalize things away. The theory explains how people respond when their attitudes and beliefs do not match their behaviours. In other words, taking a step back and asking who, why, how, when, where and what (whichever ones are applicable to the dissonance) and then work toward that consistency between beliefs and feelings and behavior rather than acting impulsively. Cognitive dissonance is the psychological theory that describes the discomfort that results from holding two or more opposing beliefs, and you likely experience it when rationalizing eating that chocolate brownie you know you shouldn’t be eating while on a diet, when seeking biased information to defend your beliefs, and on many other occasions. As already mentioned, cognitive dissonance causes psychological distress, one in which that needs to be resolved or reduced.